Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Hi, Call Me Hajji

Oh joy, interesting days indeed. Yesterday we had great fun with urban combat training. Since the army loves us all so dearly, our training took place in a ghost town that's been set up for this sort of purpose. It looked like one of those little European villages from Band of Brothers. The insides, however, were wooden skeletal abodes with no furniture or any decorations whatsoever. Very fit for a crackhouse, or hiding OPFOR (Opposing Force, good guys playing as bad guys so the other good guys can get more realistic training).

On this rainy Washington day, my platoon did our training in the morning, and we are all just so incredibly awesome that we should have our own cheerleaders, atleast I think so. But the cheerleaders have to be quiet while we're sneaking around. In fact, we'll keep the cheerleaders back at the rear to do our laundry and whatnot when we return from a hard day in the field.

But since that isn't going to happen, I'll get on with the story that a maximum of four people will be half interested in. During the afternoon, my platoon was the designated OPFOR, which meant that we were to hole up in buildings and be really mean Hajji type dudes while the other soldiers came in through anywhere they saw fit and put a jihad on our asses.

Now, I've done all the training that they were going over, and I was familiar with all these buildings. However, once the sheet hit the fan, all of that became irrelevant. U.S. troops put a monstrous Jihad onto any fools who want to play hide and seek. I experienced this firsthand, with a bunch of newbies attacking, no less. We, the humble OPFOR, were completley out-Jihadded. It was something ugly, like Metallica still trying to have a career. Or if New Kids On The Block had a reunion album singing selections by Bjork and featuring guest appearances by Yanni, Kenny G, and that guy from Van Halen, the replacement singer. That's right, a complete mess, a train wreck, the complete eradication of all things that once were. THAT'S what its like to have these crazy motha truckas sent in to light your fire.

After a while, we OPFOR losers started to get creative, and made it a little more challenging. Seeing as we were outnumbered and outgunned and disorganized, we decided to improvise. A buddy of mine, the fella that felt it necessary to unload on my Andy Dick from "In The Army Now" looking ass with blanks last week, decided that we needed a grenade or something. He ended up finding the casing for an illumination flare, which is tube shaped, like a pipe bomb or something. At one point, we were upstairs in one of the buildings waiting for the soldiers to come ass-kicking in. When they neared the stairs, he threw the 'grenade' down the stairs, and it was actually hilarious because you could hear them spazzing out and scattering downstairs, all their organization had turned to shit. FIGHT THE POWER! DRIVE OUT THE INFIDELS!!!

Once they were ready to reattempt to negotiate our Staircase of Impending Doom and Murder For Righteous Cause, we started hooking our rifles around the corner and blindly firing down the stairs, the way insurgents do. Now, this only works for a little bit, and only kept them at bay because they didnt have grenades. My buddy had to reload his weapon, leaving me in charge to cover the bottleneck that was the stairs.

Now previously, I was quickly eliminated by one of the sergeants from our company. He shortly after came back and "double tapped" me just to rub it in. I smiled and said something about getting him later. This is simply beautiful, as it was HIM who was now quietly sneaking up the stairs. I guess he was expecting one of us to lean around the corner again. I was hiding in a room and through the doorway I could see the stairwell. As soon as he came into view, he recieved a hail of divine punishment from my neck of the woods. "Ah fuck, I'm dead," was all he said as he stood aside and watched his men do their work. The man behind him had no idea what happened or where it came from, and he met the same fate. I am so awesome. The third guy to come up refused to accept that I already had three rounds in him before his weapon was even through the door, meaning that he wasnt hitting me, nor was he even firing until after I made him my Bullet Sponge Bitch. Suddenly, we're all seven years old again, playing guns in the back yard.

"I shot you!"


Ummmkay........Well then I guess I'M dead now. Here comes the fun part. Once the room is cleared, they've got to search you, etc. Hell, you're DEAD, so they can take liberties in maneuvering you around. At one point, I died in the way of another door that they'd have to enter. This big Specialist, a Hawaiian dude, grabbed me by my body armor and very suggestively repositioned me out of the way, in the same manner one would reposition a trash bag blocking the door to Eternal Happiness. Then some other dude raids me like some scavenger. I felt like Mike Tyson's girlfriend. (Sorry, that was low.)

During the final run, my pal Ol Buddykiller and I found another house, again upstairs to chill in. He rigged up a boobytrap to the stairs and readied another grenade. We traded off drags of a cigarette as we watched our Evil American Enemies clear the first building. As soon as they started moving to the second, we'd take shots at them from the windows, waiting for our turn to get our butts whooped. Once a team of Infidels prepared to enter our building, we dropped a grenade right on them, and again laughed at the thought of them scattering like cockroaches under the light. One guy saw our booby trap on the stairs and shouted it out, but whoever it was that was in the lead must have thought that it wasn't part of the training, and tripped it. At this point, we felt like some pretty badass Hajjis.

Guess what, we still got smoked.

The funny thing is that in an actual combat situation like that, we wouldn't have lived half as long as we did, and most times I was a goner within the first ten seconds. The Joes were everywhere. They're like ninjas or something. Even sneakier than the Giddeons who put Bibles in hotel rooms when no one is looking.

"Wow, RiaN!, that sure is cool! But what did you do today?"

Well my friends, we went to the rifle range and shot a bunch of stuff to relieve all our manly aggression and show those cartboard silhouette targets who the boss is. Get some!

And then, we came back, and had to hang around in the common areas for an extra what....uhh....oh yeah, three hours, thanks to a very interesting set of mess-ups. You see, two guys [OPSEC OPSEC] and then when they [OPSEC] they [OPSEC OPSEC-A-ROO] and that led to a Wild [OPSEC] Chase. Aside from that, there was [OPSEC] when there's only [OPSEC] to [OPSEC OPSEC OPSECUREME] and so we had to do something about it, which involved [OPSEC]. Personally, I feel that maybe a little more [OPSEC] should be applied to the news and the military channel and shitty shows like Over There, which seem to reveal way more than my gibbering ever will. But that's just me.

We finally got off work, and my roommate and I went to Subway. While waiting, I mentioned to him that we should set our alarms for 5AM because that's when we need to be up. The girl at the counter promptly said, "So do I" in a seemingly 'I have it worse than you and I'm still working' way. My homie and I exchanged looks like "Is she serious?" We held our tongues though.

Who knows, maybe she was having the worst day of her life. I was half tempted to mention some of the things we do, but why? What's the point? If I was in college right now, I'd be complaining about how difficult everything is, and how the sky is falling, and Pixar is making a movie about it. I got my sandwich, my drink, and my cookies, and that's all I had come for. Mission accomplished, dammit.

RiaN!'s New GoArmy Commercial:

As always, the commercial features someone at their new civilian job after getting out of the army. The employer is explaining a few points of the job to the former soldier.

Manager: "Now, there may be times where you'll have to work really late. Have you ever had to do that before?"

The former soldier's eyes become distant and the scene cuts to a company of tired and hungry soldiers standing in formation well after the sun has gone down and the rain has made everything cold and clammy. Everyone is still on duty because of some really stupid reason [OPSEC! HAHAHAHHA!] and is highly annoyed.

Cut back to the present.

Ex-Soldier: " my last job."



Anonymous said...

Okay, this one made me laugh. Alot. Made chad laugh too, he giggled like a little schoolgirl...(teehee)...I must say, you do lead an interesting life these days =P

That bit of training you're talking about reminds me of a line from good ol' Red Vs. Blue...
"What are you gonna shoot him with? Ghost bullets??"
"HI! I'm Casper, the Friendly Bullet!"

-Shazam =)

Tracey L. O' Very said...

Hi Hajji,
I'm glad to hear the sense of humor in this time. I really admire you and respect you and thank you with all my heart for being so Brave, so unselfish to defend me, my rights, opportunities and freedom. Leaving me here in Peace giving up yours in so many ways. The anonymous bullet, Yeah I heard about him. I admire you like you'll never imagine. It's nice to read your blog, your thoughts and learn about you. If you get a chance I've written a few things for you because of you and have them posted on my web page. I'll be posting another soon this week. I don't know how much I can post on here. Thanks Hajji! God and Jesus stay with you night and day. Hurry home safe and sound to all of us who love you very much so! I'll never forget you.
All my ever-lastinglove, Tracey
May I use your picture on my poems and whatnots? and post some of your blog on the den? We all love you there and to get word from all of you there we enjoy to hear from you. We all love you! and Thank you! xoox42(c :)'s every day from my family to you. I Love You!

toy soldier said...

Laughed my balls the commercial...if i had the money i would produce it. One time we were doing map reading and someone lost their precious protractor...time to do pushups until it was found...i learned my lesson...when one team member fails we all do pushups...i mean we are all affected by nco's...i mean...well whatever

themorethingschange... said...

Really good stuff Suspect ..

Going back this far is kinda cool .. TS is blogging before he's blogging ..

I still hate these dumb letters but decided its wasted emotion .. more fun to make up new words.. lets see, VOXZV: from the Latin vox, suffix from the Russian ZV.

VOXZV, voice of everything Russian. Or maybe Polish.