Who knows, maybe every enlisted person feels like this now and then. I figure, fuck it, might as well share this too. Beats the hell out of giving you all a sugar coated, sunshine and farts depiction of the army.
I'm trying to remember why the hell I did this. There must be a lot of foreshadowing of all this brewing up in my latest posts, but tonight, you get the full view of the beast, in all its glory. The gloves are off, folks. Now watch as I get my ass handed to me.
I've mentioned how all of my friends back home are doing college now, or something else relatively productive. I could have been there too. I thought that the army would change me, make me something better, and from becoming that better person, I would be able to support everyone that's fighting under this country's banner. I didn't want to be a misguided, uninformed angsty youth, adopting opinions handed to me in a bullshit casserole served up by some punk band who gets figuratively fucked in the ass by their managers backstage. Maybe that's why they're doing commercials.
I'd be lying if I said that I felt like I belonged in the army. If I were to say that this was my niche, my nose would be growing at an alarming rate.
Its almost unbearable when my friends or family say they are proud of me, or when someone thanks me for my service. I'm not G.I. Joe, Audie Murphy, John Wayne or Steve McQueen. I am not, nor will I ever be a picturesque soldier. If you want an accurate comparison from film to reality, go ahead and compare me to Corporal Upham from Saving Private Ryan. Just take away the rank, and give him an infantry MOS. Add NO skill. Add nothing. Even my blogging is substandard. I'm not cbftw. You've stumbled across a blog written by someone who has decided to chronicle his military career, most likely in the hopes that it won't go unnoticed. My subconscious must have known all along.
I suppose its in our nature to suffer. If the world was peaceful, people wouldn't know how to handle it. They would get pissy over one subject or another, people would choose sides and rally under different leaders, as followers always will do, both sides will get all butt-hurt about the other, and then shit hits the fan. Maybe that's why Plato said that only the dead have seen the end of war.
I always knew I wasn't going to make a difference. I didn't know that I would feel this out of place. I go together with the army the same way baby food and cottage cheese go on pizza.
In high school, now and then I'd think that it was going to be a long four years, and god, I couldn't wait. We can't wait to get through our current conflict so that we can dive head first into a more intense one. Hell, this may only be a prelude to deployment. And after that, CIVILIAN LIFE AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT! I wonder how many blogs share those stories. I should do my homework.
Let me post a comment that a very good friend of mine left me, near the beginning of this blog, after I had signed my name.
"Rian your a fucking moron for joining the army ok A FUCKING MORON!!!! just want to make sure we have that out in the open first and foremost...(parts removed as some weren't relative to the subject) [back to your] great fucking illusions about the army. You wont find anything worth remembering, coveting, loving, missing. All your gonna find in the army is ohh guess what here let me put it in " " and capitalized so it has more umph... "MISERY". ohh yeah thats right the ONLY fucking person that you know that HAS ANY FUCKING IDEA about what military life is like has just bestowed upon you the truth. You will hate every day, their will be nothing that will bring that moment of happiness that i told you about. But again you do have more of my respect than people that will do anything they can to avoid the draft.."
Those words echoed very painfully in my mind as I began to write this.
Then I read the rest of the comments below that I had never seen before (http://eleven-bravo.blogspot.com/2005/01/spirit-vacuum-demoralizer.html#comments a very ironic name for that particular post). I must have been in basic when they were written. But right now, they're a little too much for me, so I'm just going to post this, go outside and smoke a cigarette or ten, and wait for this day to disappear.
I'll be fine.