Friday, January 28, 2005

The Wait Continues

Bless me reader, for I have sinned. It has been three days since my last post.

Phew, now I feel better. I haven't been up to anything notable the past few days. I opened a bank account at the same bank that I swore off, funny how that works. My recruiter recommended this particular bank, saying that it had the best military benefits. Roger that.

Haven't successfully screwed anyone into joining along with me, so there goes Private First Class. As for the memorization of all sorts of information such as rank structure, etc, that's no problem. And the PT test? Situps, no problem. Running? No problem. Pushups? Eh... problem. Not enough time to improve. I'll need a strong dissociative while I'm doing that PT test, so that I won't realize how badly my arms are dying from the evil and hateable pushups I must do. (This babbling roughly translates to "...And there goes Private E2 as well. Hello Private E1.")

The family is having a farewell party for me, but I prefer to call it a "One less mouth to feed, one less tax break" party. Don't worry, you'll get used to the dry and cynical humor. On a serious note, everyone has been reasonably cool about this entire ordeal, and there are a lot of people who are demanding that I write them. Why do I have the feeling that I'll hardly ever find the time?

I should probably throw an uneducated opinion or two in here while I'm at it.

Right now, APPARENTLY, fit is hitting the shan with the whole Iraqi Elections Ordeal. My banker said that he hopes that there's a good turnout for the elections, and that this doesn't all erupt into civil war. Yeah, after hearing that, I started smoking again. You've got to wonder what the deal is with some of these people. They're going to better their country by killing people so that everyone else is afraid to use their voice? Call me narrow minded, but I'm really not seeing things from their point of view. They consider the rising amount of civilian casualties to be acceptable loss to ensure that one religious sect or another is in power? Does this mean that they WANT conflict to resume in this area? They would rather NOT have a collective government, elected on merit vs who you know (well.... I guess I have to leave that one alone)? I guess that's one thing I won't understand.

I think I'm butchering something I heard from a comedian here, in fact I'm sure that's what I did. Heard something funny, and I tainted and slaughtered and Frankensteined his idea, fashioning it into some mindless tirade of my own, that would be funny, if it didn't suck so badly. But here it is anyways, eat it up, kids:

Ever wonder about the psychology of suicide bombers? They've been told that they will die and go to paradise, where they are met by 71 virgins (or maybe 71 crystal clear raisins =P). Well, if you think about it, I suppose it adds up. Assuming that there is a place that dead people can go that does in fact house 71 virgins, then the rest slowly starts to make sense.

You strap a bomb onto yourself and kill a bunch of people, because that's the brave thing to do, and you die oh so gloriously and the world is a better place. The bomb goes off, and you are liquified. Well, part of blowing yourself up is that your man-genitals are ALSO destroyed. We've all learned from popular news that the penis is NOT indesctructable (cough, John Bobbit, cough) so therefor, we can assume that the Brave and Intrepid Suicide Bomber of Ultimate Righteousness is going to sacrifice his life and his wang at the press of a button. Then this brave and caring soul is transported to the Land of A Bunch of Virgins.

Upon arriving, the ethereal matter that WAS a suicide bomber realizes that he no longer has a penis. Therefore, the 71 virgins will REMAIN virgins. Welcome to hell, you thick fuck.

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