Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Spirit Vacuum the Demoralizer

What a funky little day. Realized that 4 laps around my block must be more than a mile, being that I ran four laps in fifteen minutes. So if I'm right, that means that I've been running a LOT more than just three miles. If I'm wrong, well I dont think I possibly could be. I remember watching kids WALK the fucking mile and get 15 minutes for their time. And I was sweating balls.

I leave for Butte, Montana, where the MEPS station is, tomorrow. Got to be at the recruiters' at 1:00. This whole waking up before sundown thing is really wearing me out, let me tell ya.

Hung out with some people, my ex girlfriend Chris and some of her friends. Met a cool sophomore named Neil. We had good and gay fun in Target, some dollar store, and the mall. But all things must come to an end, and when this sophomore guy with the coolness joked about me becoming a Splinter Cell kind of guy, killing people for the government, I had to disagree. He meant well, of course, but he said, "Well, it won't be YOU killing anyone, they'll just get in the way of your bullet."

I went home.

At that point, I did my run, avoiding the ice and slush as best as I could, but no one's perfect, and dry pantlegs are for gay people. Upon coming inside, exasperated at the unknown distance around my neighborhizzy, all was tense among my family members. Groovy.

As I downed a glass of water in the most ravenous of manners, as one can imagine, my parental units began to enquire as to when I go to MEPS, when I sign things, and when I leave. They received the bad news that they would get nothing to look over, that they could protect or shelter me in no way. I'm kind of afraid that the E,pty Nest Syndrome will hit my dad a bit harder this time, and for more reasons than the fact that I'll be living further than two blocks away.

He asked what kind of training I'd receive, which meant, he wanted to know what my decided MOS (Military Occupational Specialty) was. I couldn't lie to him. So I told him that I was to become an Infantryman. So much approval there.

He said that no matter what, he'll be proud, and he wishes me the best. He hates the idea that I didn't take his advice. That I'm not learning Satellite Communications or Electrician first. That I'm not joining the Navy or Air Force.

You've been in a similar situation before, many of them. You knew the apprehensive fear when you had a shitty report card, or a phone call home from a teacher (or you know that the UPS truck that you nailed with a rock flung from your WristRocket slingshot carried a driver that knows your family, damned small towns). You've been there, for the wait, walked your own long mile to the chair. You've had the drymouth.

It was always worse then. I don't know what was so different now. Was it because they already knew that you have been planning on doing this for some time, and had slowly been taking each step to join? Was it because you knew there was nothing they could do? Or was it because you knew that it didn't matter, because this is what you had to do anyway.

Your overweight Siamese cat senses your calm amongst everyone else's anxiety now, and jumps in your lap, wanting a taste of your apparent ability to maintain clear headed and tranquil. Your mind wanders as you listen to what they say. You're told that you've never been proficiently athletic, which you already know, and always have. You're told that they have no doubt that you CAN be proficiently athletic, which you also already know, and are already working your ass off to prove that to yourself.

Your father then mentions the fact that you've played Real Time Strategy games, and that you seem to be better fit in a job with technological training, or one where you're coordinating the troops movements. This is the part where you stifle a smile and snicker as you think about how BADLY you suck at StarCraft, and all other RTS games for that matter.

They want to know WHAT drives you to be an infantryman? Have you spoken to anyone who was an infantryman? And you tell them no, not personally. You then realize that they won't give up if you play clueless, so you tell them a little bit, praying to god that they might understand atleast a little bit. You tell them:

"When you read the paper or turn on the TV, you hear about these guys that are my age that are deployed in some country they've never been to. They work their asses off, doing a nearly thankless job, while a lot, not all, but a lot of people back in the States either don't care, or even look down on them for what they have to do. And I think about the way people are afraid of being drafted, and the ways they used to avoid it. I realize that the politicians put soldiers in some really screwed up positions, but what can I do about that? I could be another person who stays in their home and shakes their head, but I'd rather raise my hand and offer to help."

There you guys go. Now you have one of my bigger reasons, and you're more than welcome to shake your heads now and call it corny and idealistic.

One thing my dad said tonight:

"You'll go, and you'll be strong. Because now, you HAVE to be."


Anonymous said...

Ok this is me... AKA its fucking Barlow.... ok Rian in my opnion which is the only fucking opnion that matters in ths fucking world... (for any of you fucktards that dont like swearing uhh well you can shut the fuck up this is my comment posting so fuck off) Well i feel like being an asshole atm so uhh well remind me in the morning that i may offend someone which i doubt, and if i do offend you well i prolly never liked you anyway. Ok now down to business, Rian your a fucking moron for joining the army ok A FUCKING MORON!!!! just want to make sure we have that out in the open first and foremost. Now granted your better than those who and i quote "Will do anything to avoid a draft" now to the person that said my above quote... ( Chad ) you are one unappreciative bitch (also if i mispell uhh use your phonetics cuz i dont care) now chad would rather avoid a draft so he can stay with his ladyfriend... Ohhh how romantic *pukes in the corner* your still a dumb fuck in my opnion.. which is mine so everyone can fuck off if youdont like it. now back to rizzy and his great fucking illusions about the army. You wont find anything worth remembering, coveting, loving, missing. All your gonna find in the army is ohh guess what here let me put it in " " and capitalized so it has more umph... "MISERY". ohh yeah thats right the ONLY fucking person that you know that HAS ANY FUCING IDEA bout what military life is like has just bestowed upon you the truth. You will hate every day, their will be nothing that will bring that moment of happiness that i told you about. But again you do have more of my respect than people that will do anything they can to avoid the draft.. again /vommits, *stupid little faggot* but its ok everything will work out for him im sure. But yeah you have honestly earned my utmost, extreme, insert any word for "alot of" hate. Now here comes the part that may or may not bother you. I do wish you well in the army, i will keep reading this gay little blog thinggy to see how your doing. BUT, and theres always gotta be a but, when you get deployed if anything happens to you aka you die *for all the dumb people that read your blog i promise i wont mention names* im sorry but i will not even consider going to your funeral, I've seen the best men in the world die at my feet, I've seen the best men make it through iraq only to kill themselves when they were home, I've had enough friends (and by friends i mean REAL FUCKING FRIENDS) die that im done with it... I'll miss you but i will not mourn over you. All you fucks that read this can call me an ass but i really dont care. And uhh yeah Rian if you do go to Iraq dont be a hero. Make me proud my little cherub.

Anonymous said...


I can't help but ask the question(although your entitled to your opinion), what makes you better then me? (Chad)

Anonymous said...


No, barlow, I won't call you an ass. Or tell you to fuck off. Just gonna ask you to consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, Ryan should be allowed to do what he wants, he knows full well what he is getting into (and im sure you helped fill that image out in his head, have faith in yourself that you did a good enough job explaining that he's a "moron" long before he actually enlisted) and perhaps you should just let him be? after all, didn't YOU join up?? hmm? I'm sure a ton of people you called your friends told you you were a moron too, but you still did it. And now for some reason you think that nobody else can possibly find out for themselves what they will get out of the experience just because your word is god. Yippee, go you!
I said I wouldn't call you an ass or tell you to fuck off but I will call you a hypocritical bastard because not only do you denounce somebody whose been your friend through thick and thin; but you also decide that those people who don't choose to follow in both your footsteps (namely my fiance and I, for I take offense to ANYTHING that is directed toward Chad) are stupid as well. Well my friend, we are all entitiled to our own opinion, but why don't you slip a little something in there about how you're just as much as a retard as the next person for joining?
-Sham. (or the "ladyfriend" if you prefer. t(^.^t) )

Anonymous said...

Well hello Sham... I dont promise to not call you an ass or tell you to fuck off... now here's the skinny You are flawed accept that and move on with your life, Your "guyfriend" since i think the term fiancee *sp* is kinda uhh what is word..... i dunno just dont like it much, is flawed also, he is a fake scared little person in my opnion which i will keep until i believe otherwise, but ohh no dont think it ends there. Let me list all the fucks that are flawed... and i quoteth "Everyone" ahh well that was short and refreshing... no as to my first post where i guess i said something that you all claim to be false, well let me think? hrmmm ok you said for me to let rian do what he wants? well HE IS STILL ELNISTING correct? yeah that right i didnt and wont stop him.... yeah i wish i could remember all of what you posted so i could reply to it all to clear things up... I dont really dislike either of you, mabey what it is is that we dont understand each other...? naw i didnt think so either. so here's the skinny. We are all flawed and there's nothing we can do about it, Rian will enlist in the ArntRealMarinesYet *ARMY*, and i most likely will not see him again. *not saying he'll die, just saying i have commitment issues* so just understand that im losing a Damn good friend and im sad. So if your willing i'll call it a truce. bah i knew what i was gonna type like 3 seconds ago but my brain has gone to mush, so yeah what the fuck ever accept the pitiful appology that lies here or dont.

Anonymous said...

Hello again Dan,

Where is your flaw? In my opinion your just as scared as I am and don't get me started on fake, you pretend to be some good guy when all I see you do is hurt friends and drive them away. Yes I do have an opinion just like you, No its not my dream to be drafted...I'm not a patriot...it doesn't make me weak or scared to not want to be taken to war against my own will or go to war because some fuck doesn't know when to say enough is enough; As both you and my fiance said earlier, I'm not gonna call you an ass or tell you to fuck off...just respect MY opinion as you ask others to respect yours. Where did we get on a wrong foot? I never crossed you to my knowledge. As for Ryan, I think hez doin the right thing for him...you gave him good insight into the military life but I think itz gonna be harsh on him...wish him the best. Even though you bash me and call me fake I do have to say thank you for not insulting my fiance, which I plan on marrying so yeah fiance fits much better then your other term. Your a kewl dude Dan, I have no fuckin clue where you started to feel angry towards me. I can admit I had some bad feelings about the whole Heather and you situation because I'm not fond of cheating, especially where it hurt one of my good friends ,Ryan, but I realize that no ones perfect and that really isn't my business; I'm sorry if I said any harsh words or poked my nose in where it didn't belong. If your serious about the truce then my fiance, Sham, and I will gladly accept a truce from you, no more bad blood aight dude?


Anonymous said...

...you don't do apologies very often do you?

*sigh* You are STILL dissing my fiancĂ© (the term "guyfriend" just doesn't do him justice) and I doubt I will ever understand why... I can't even say much to that other than to tell you that, like you and I, he has his reasons for the way he believes. It just so happens that I think the same way that he does...probably why I'm marrying the guy…gee, who'da thunk?

"Different rant, different day." Right. I digress.

Yes, I am flawed. I will be the first to admit that. I am also of the belief that one should stand up for what they believe in, and in the same breath shouldn't have to stand up for what they don't. I have my own issues about nationalism and the military, including the belief that one should be able to join the military if they so choose and not be forced to fight for a life in a country that they happen to live in by default. However, I refuse to denounce anybody else who thinks differently. I only ask that you honor that and do the same. Like you said; we are all flawed, and we all have our own opinions. I can accept that most of your 'rant' was spurred by the idea of losing Ryan as a friend, but why the hell did you have to drag Chad into it?!? So WHAT if he thinks differently than you do. Shake your head to yourself and mutter if you like, I could care less. That I can stand. What I can’t stand, though, is the pointless name-calling because he happens to have an alternative take on the war situation than you do. Give it a rest, already!

Anyway, a point I would like to make is that this should be about Ryan and his decisions, and not include all about how you think everybody should just be giddy as kids in a candy store to get drafted and that if they aren’t they must be “unappreciative bitches,” “dumb fucks,” or “stupid little faggots.” Crap like that is completely useless. And quite frankly, I would have accepted your apology 3 paragraphs ago had it not been for the fact that you brought Chad into this the way you did. He has done nothing but be civil to you, and to my knowledge has only ever treated you as a friend. Neither of us desired nor even felt the need to confront you before all this, as neither of us had anything negative to say about you and your beliefs. My only wish here is that you would acknowledge that.

Moving along…

As far as your ‘apology’ for what you said about Ryan, that I can accept. You’re not the only one who considers Ryan a good friend, and you’re not the only one sad to see him go. Keep in mind that all three of us have that in common. No matter how we feel about each other (for the record I hold nothing personal against you), we all have our own feelings toward Ryan enlisting, and I accept that. I will also accept your truce, as long as you agree to be considerate about how you refer to my fiancĂ© in the future.


Anonymous said...

Guess what its Barlow again... now first to Chad, Yes i do have a flaw, but only one that encompasses my whole being. If you would like to hear it by all means come talk to me. And now we move on to Sham, no i do not appologize very often, it's not part of me, i suck at them i know it everyone else knows it so we'll move on. And secondly i DO believe most people are and ill quote you here "you think everybody should just be giddy as kids in a candy store to get drafted and that if they aren’t they must be “unappreciative bitches,” “dumb fucks,” or “stupid little faggots.” but meh doesnt really matter so we'll leave it at that. So i feel that i should end this good ole parade with my favorite quote.... "If the wine is sour throw it out" -Michaleangelo *sp* And the wine is very sour.
"who wants to wait for something good"
"Fiddle and the Drum"
I'll try to be more accepting of your and chad's opnions and beliefs, I promise ill play nice.


Anonymous said...


Thank you =) I appreciate it, and I'm sure Chad does too. *virtual handshake*

Now I will be on my way.

P.S. good quote..I've used it before and I think it fits this situation well too. *throws out the sour wine*

Jenni said...

"You'll go, and you'll be strong. Because now, you HAVE to be."

I think Dad was saying this to himself as much as he was you...