Thursday, January 20, 2005

The Pre-MEPS Experience

First off, it will easily become apparent as to exactly how ri-goddamn-diculously tired I am. I'm back from MEPS, but I havent slept at all since I left. So I'm very vershuvvled.

I went on down to the recruiter's office and waited. There, waiting was a dude whose last name I won't give. Instead, we'll call him Polsen. Polsen and I are chilling at our designated chill spot, and a the brother of a dude I mentioned before then showed up. He was also drinking an asston of water. His name shall be Sam.

Fuck it, I am too tired and fucked up to accurately paint a wonderful storygraph for you. I'll give you the cut and dry so I can go fuck off.

At the recruiters', two other guys and I waited for a very very long fucking time for the guy who was supposed to drive us to Butte. There was also another delay, being that one of the dudes had to go get medical documents, because he had a previous injury that the MEPS people might need to know about.

There's no way to make an interesting story about a long and boring wait, so instead, I'll just tell you that it was a very fucking long and very fucking boring wait. And believe it or not, we waited patiently, but as I type this, I am not patient, so please go screw a cow if you don't like having to wait....I think.

Finally, after Jesus Christ had risen again and become a Reggae mogul, we were ready to leave. So we piled into a minivan and we sat in the aforementioned minivan and waited and waited while Butte moved closer to our idiotic asses. Then one day, we magically arrived there in Butte, and we descended upon the golden heavens that is The Red Lion Hotel, or something like that. We checked into our rooms, and decided that we were hungry.

So, being that we were hungry, and hungry was what we were, we decided to use our MEPS benefit, and get some free food from the restaurant. And so we did. The three of us neat dudes were joined by another dude who had already done some academy shit, and so he naturally knew everything, and oh, what do you know, I really don't care. I ate a lot because I had to be sure that I made my weight class for my height, being that that would be a good thing, so that I could qualify and thus finish my enlistment, so that I can get paychecks from your tax dollars, you dirty fiend.

My recruiting Sergeant of ultimate Sargemanly recruitingness suggested that I eat a lot of bananas, because apparently they make you heavier or dont leave your system too soon, or some stupid Wiccan bullshit like that. So being the total dumbfuck retard that I am, I ate all of the bananas he brought me except for one. I ate....A LOT OF FUCKING BANANAS. I mean a lot. Enough to the point where if I see another banana, I will projectile vomit off-white banana cream goo, and then kill someone. I think I made up a new word, since we're on the subject: 'banana-shits'. Yeah, fuck you.

We ate, and then we decided that we were bored. Sam = my roommate for the night, also infantry. Aaron = a very cool lineman-high-shool-jock kind of guy. You need to know this. Or I shall kill you.

So there was a rather decent number of us (we, as a collective were known as MEPSs. MEPS stands for Military Entrance Processing Station, or Military is Entering your Poop Shoot.) and we decided that we were bored. So, we coerced a woman who operates the hotel shuttles (really oversized fuckin weirdo van things) to take us to WalMart. Upon arriving, we secured a Nerf football, a whiffle ball and bat, jello, and I think we forgot the duct tape...

Anywho, we returned to the hotel, after much ragging on the weird old shuttle driver lady, and proceeded to head back upstairs to our corridor. Once there, we decided it necessary to play whiffleball in the hallway. Needless to say, we made mucho noise while stupid people tried to get stupid sleep. After POSSIBLY (I cant be sure) breaking a light fixture (it may have just been loose, you know, and not totally destroyed. Honest), we did the diplomatic thing and laid the whifflebat to rest. We then proceeded to the swimming pool area where we played with the Nerf football, which for some reason involved making a really big mess and knocking all the patio furniture over and/or in the water, and hitting people's room windows. After a rather short time, the bartender lady bravely trekked to our location and (strangely enough) asked us to play outside in the most polite of manners. So we did. And we had lots of fun sliding around in the slush, and getting in the way of the hotel's traffic. We just couldn't win.

So, we headed back upstairs, where nearly all of the MEPS males (and a Navy recruiter who was surprisingly cool) decided that we should all sit in the hall, throwing the balls against random doors and walls as we conversed loudly about whatever we wanted. Then some old guy walked out of his room with his suitcase (the one with the cute little wheels, AWWWW!!!!) and stormed down the hall, bitching because he couldn't sleep. I played the world's smallest violin for him.

Ran into a kid I used to know from a different town who is joining the Navy, blah blah blah, boring boring boring your mother never loved you, bling bling blah, and then everyone went to bed. Sam, Aaron, and I couldn't and really didn't feel like sleeping. So Aaron and I had fun at his roommate's expense with a thread and a bottle of shaving cream, as the worthless mug was sleeping. Unfortunately, he woke up before I could take a picture, but I did get a good one of Aaron and I running around the hotel as shirt ninjas. Anywho, the chode woke up, and we retreated to our own room and fetched Sam, and the three of us brave souls trekked to Denny's, where we enjoyed coffee, food, laughter at the waiter's expense, and coloring crayons (I'm not kidding. We drew some cool shit on our meal tickets).

Before ya know it, the night is pretty much gone, so we retreated to our room, and watched a very shitty B movie action flick piece of fucking crap, and I wanted all of the actors to die by coughing up their lungs in thick bloody gobs of goo.

We had already showered before we received our 5 AM wakeup call. So we foxtrotted on down to the restaurant as I pounded down more bananas, and we enjoyed coffee. I really don't remember why, but the waitress called me an asshole under her breath. What a bitch.

Then this femmy stoner guy drove us to the MEPS building. AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

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