Thursday, January 20, 2005

MEPS: An Oddyssey of Suck

We rolled on into the building, where the twenty of us enlistees were crammed into the little entryway room. Some guy who I imagine probably works there briefed us on not having knives, or some weird mumbo jumbo like that. Long story short, he talked a lot.

Then we entered Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, I mean, MEPS, and had our bags checked and we got metal detected. That was only the first time of the day that I was to feel violated. After that, we were handed folders full of paperwork about us and how bad we sucked. We were sorted into lines based on some weird criteria, like who needed full physicals, and who needed to be put in a cannon and shot into space, or somehting like that.

So, we all were sent into this little classroom where this angry old doctor briefed us on a bunch of medical shit, then we did a bunch of paperwork, and god forbid anyone got ahead of him. He didn't like that, and he'd chew their ass, and it was funny, because people are morons, and I'm tired and cranky, and right now, I wish that scary old doctor had his finger up your bunghole just because you suck.

After a couple lifetimes of really stupid paperwork that we had already done, we were then ONCE AGAIN herded like cattle through a series of obstacle courses, I mean, stations. Another old doctor touched my scrotumhood and made sure that I still had an anus. And no, he did not stick his finger in there. Go back to your romance novels.

Then, I think I had my hearing tested, and then my blood pressure, then my sight, then they took some of my blood to make sure that I didnt get AIDS from all the sexual relations that I have with everyone because I'm so attractive and want-able.

We'd all been drinking shitloads of water so that we could all have a nice piss in a cup so the doctor, who was scary, could stick some kind of home pregnancy test paper in there, or something like that. I think it actually checked for diabetes, but hey, who knows? A few guys got stage fright. I pissed like a motherfucker because I'd been guzzling down water to make sure I weighed enough, because again, I want your tax dollars.

After that, I dont really remember. Give me a minute.... Ok, yeah, then we sat around and were really bored, and I was so tired I didnt know what the hell was going on. So I kept drinking water to make me fat. Then the fun part.

The Doctor of DOOM herded all of us sexy man specimens into this room and made us get nekked except for our boxers. Then we had our height and weight measured. After that, the Master Sergeant guy had us do these really strange and stupid maneuvers, which actually determine whether or not you have joint problems, etc, but since I'm tired and cranky, they are stupid and so are you.

Then we ate, and by this time, I had no clue where the fuck I was, when I was, or why I was. And I'm exaggerating. The food wasnt that great and I didnt feel like eating, but what can ya do?

Then we all sat around a TV and waited until we were singled out to do more paperwork and then talk to a career counselor to lock our jobs for the final time, and get some stuff in a backpack. At this point, I was tired, miserable, and wanted to go to sleep, but I couldn't. I really wasn't thinking straight, and I was very bitter and angry and I wanted to hurt something. But since I'm a smart cookie, I didn't say anything. 'Son, have you ever smoked marijuana?'

"Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir."

I signed up for my job, and apparently, the guy had had some kind of conversation with me. After I left the room, he said to my recruiter, "Damn, that kid looks fucking tired as all hell."

Then I sait in a chair for a very long time, kind of watching Comedy Central, more spiraling around in my own sleep deprived insanity, hating the slow and tedious process that is MEPS. After a few more millenia, I had to do a bunch more fucking paperwork, give fingerprints, have my recruiter pay my parking tickets for me, and do more paperwork and answer an assload of questions.

Then I waited for another ungodly amount of time, and then Aaron and I played some pool, and I rocked his shit, but barely. Which translates to 'he scratched on the 8 Ball when neither of us had any left, and no one cares about pool'. We were then paged to go to the front desk thing. When we did in fact GO to the front desk thing, this short stocky blonde navy dude escorted us to this small and prestigious looking little room. He then read CRUCIAL INFORMATION about what happens to us if we go AWOL, Dessert, or Dessert during wartime. Oh, and he read all of this EXTREMELY IMPORTANT INFORMATION so fucking quickly that you couldn't understand what the fuck he was saying. He was basically making a joke out of the whole thing, while also informing us that if we dessert the Army during wartime, we can be executed.

Call me uptight, but that guy is a fucking prick. I later found out that he's probably going to be kicked out of the Navy, which explains why he sucks more ass than a toilet seat.

After that cockless piece of shit left, a 1st Lieutenant came into the room, stood at the podium, and swore us in. At the same time, Bush was being sworn in again. I thought that was cool. But the gravity of the whole situation really hit me as we were swearing in. Aaron and I were both standing at position of attention, with our right hands raised, repeating the words we're supposed to, vowing to serve this country, and acknowledging that it is now our duty to obey the orders of the President of the United States.

I'm too tired to talk about this shit now, maybe later.

I ship out February 3rd.

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